Disturbing Discovery

Last 3 weeks ago, had some disturbing discovery with myself. I felt a lump on my right breast. At first, I kept it to myself and monitored it everyday. It felt about 1 cm in size and was very clearly felt when I soaped myself. All sort of thoughts came into my mind and was freaking out day by day getting so worried if I had breast cancer since my mum just recovered from it last year.

Then a week later, I gathered my courage to inform Ed and my parents. I can still remember, I sms-ed Ed in the office one morning telling him about it. Tears were running down my eyes. I kept away from my colleagues and stayed in my corner. The whole morning eyes were red and puffy but no one noticed. Ed said to tell my parents but I didn't want to ruin their Hanoi trip.

But in end as I started to break down, could not keep it anymore, after work, I went to the clinic to see the doctor, but the doctor I wanted to see was not on duty. I came home rushed myself to the bathroom to take a shower and cried the whole way. I think I showered for about 30 minutes before I finally told my mum. Mum at first thought I got fired in the office as I was in tears when I suddenly gave her a hug. Then I told her softly that there's a lump on my breast. She got a shock. But she kept saying "it can't be, your still too young."

The next day after work went to the clinic again. Told the doctor about the lump and he examined it and referred me to Gleneagles. But since my period was just around the corner he did mentioned that it might just be a normal lump before periods. But he did strongly advise to go and get it checked out.

So came back and told my mum. Waited until my dad came home and told him the bad news. Dad was worried after that for me. We gave it a week to see how the lump progressed and waited until my period finishes to go to the hospital. So they both carried on with their Hanoi trip with a worried thought for me. I on the other hand was feeling so down and worried. All sort of thoughts came to my mind on whether I will be losing my breast, become a cancer patient, go for all the chemo, lose my hair, and also the topic of death did come to my mind. At a certain point I was angry with myslef that why this is happening to me. Funny but its true how something as this can really play alot in your mind. No doubt it was just an "unknown" lump but it got me really worried.

So today was the day that I finally went to Gleneagles. Appointment was made at 10 am, it felt more like somekind of judgement day for me. Waited for the doctor but in the end the nurse said to go for an ultra sound first. I was very 'fragile' this morning. Could just break down in tears but kept telling myself, don't make a fool of myself with strangers around me.

Was in the ultra sound room for quite sometime, topless but covered with a towel, for the doctor to come in. The wait was so long. You can just imagine how I was feeling. Just wanted everything to be over and done with. Positive thoughts and negative thoughts came to my mind again. But gave myself deep breaths to calm myself down. Then finally the doctor came in. Thank goodness it was a lady. Explained to her about the lump, she checked and finally I heard her say,..." There's no lumps on your breast. It's all clean"...Then I said "But I feel a lump."...She replied, "It's your tissues, I'll let the doctor explain to you."

At this moment a sign of relief came.....All my worries were gone. All those thoughts I had suddenly felt so silly. It was the best thing I've ever heard for these past week. Thank God nothing serious was happening to me. Saw my doctor after that and he gave pointers on how to carry on doing this self breast examination. Felt really embarassed as he was examining my breast, but I guess he's seen more than enough breast in his entire life.

Thanks to my support group which came with me. I think without them I do not know how I would have handled this. And also to the three pigs who knew about this. One pig, Becky Pig, kept sms-ing me on how the situation was. Thanks alot girl!!